MenoLog#3: “I was told menopause was the moment a woman stopped being a woman.”- AJ
On a Friday night meant for white sangria tasting, a small group of us discovered the commonality of being raised with the most ridiculous ideas about menopause. We also learned that white sangria came in handy when easing charged emotions tied to an upbringing of absurdity. Because when misconceptions around your own body structure a great part of your life, you feel cheated of the opportunity of doing better for your health, and facing that reality is bothersome. Thankfully, glasses in hand, we were able to navigate the frustration through laughter and the perspective that it ends with us.
When asked about when was the first time that we heard about menopause, the stories piled up. Every one of us had some mind-blogging story to tell and with it, unnerving emotions that we usually only say out loud in private. We concluded that we do so in private because we were all raised in the dark of the conversation. Not talking about menopause was what the women before us learned from the women before them. Dismissing the subject became kind of an effective tool to wiring us into the expectation of not having an issue with it. But, the truth is that we do, and the tradition has stopped us from openly expressing the misconceptions we have dragged into how it truly makes us feel. Now we know that the fallacies we were gifted never allowed us to have a healthier response to menopause and mid-life in general. For us, a moment of awareness in order to change course in how we improve our mindset in the menopausal journey.
Our group agreed that even though none of us was expecting menopause to trigger responses of merrymaking and bubbly jamborees that smell like champagne and chocolate cake, the reality of it came like a shock. No one in our group ever expected the overwhelming sudden health decline that changed our lives forever or felt like rejoicing when it came to menopause because nothing about it is fun, eagerly anticipating, and full of excitement.
“I hate the bitch” was probably the queen of all emotions expressed by the group, followed by “Menopause makes me feel old, achy, irrelevant, and forgotten.” And for all of us the tendency to deal with the complexity of it as if it was a big secret since no one around us, including our immediate family, ever asked how we felt through it all.
For many of us, coming together in a safe space to talk about it, something never done before. The safety of the collective turned into a door that suddenly opened to connect us with stories that shaped the connotations we have about mid-life and the negative approach around menopause we grew up with.
Throughout the conversation, a lack of positive reflection. Not a single uplifting story as a reference. The memories of when or from whom we first became “aware” of menopause seemed to carry confusing, scary, and completely ignorant perspectives that we, unfortunately, had in common as if it was a well-established rule for our upbringing:
“When I was 16 or 17 I asked my mom what menopause was. She shushed me and said that we don’t say that word because that is the moment a woman stops being a woman. So I obeyed and never asked again because I didn’t want to learn more about when exactly my life would be over. It was terrifying.” - AJ
“My mother told me that menopause is the exact moment a woman becomes old and unattractive to a man.” - EI
“I was maybe 15 when I first heard the word at a pajama party. One of the girls told us that it was the moment you couldn’t make babies and she explained it in the context of a horror story “appropriate” for the night. I remember not being able to go to sleep mostly because of the confusion it created. I couldn’t stop thinking about when was it going to be the right moment to have as many babies as I could before not being able to do that anymore.” - MA
“My cousin said that menopause makes men leave their wives for younger women. For a long time, I thought my mother never went through it because she and my dad stayed married forever. He never left her.” - BI
“I was told that menopause stops periods overnight and the thought of that being possible made me so happy. I kind of anxiously grew up waiting for it to happen. For years, probably until my mid-thirties, I thought that menopause had only to do with periods going away in one event. Overnight. You are done. Silly me.” - JI
“The first time I heard the word, I was in my twenties, enjoying a beautiful beach day with the family when, out of the blue, one of my aunts pointed out the “humongous size” of my hips. She said to better watch out for menopause because I would, for sure, become a very BIG old lady with cellulite elephant hips.” - SM
“I was told that menopause was a thing of grandmas. So I grew up thinking that somehow the aches and pains and slow, limited movements of my grandmothers were caused by menopause as a type of “grandma illness.” - MR
“I also grew up thinking that you HAD to be a grandmother to “get” menopause. As a teenager and up to my early 20s, I thought that the three single old sisters that lived together down the street, with no grandkids, never got it.” - LT
“My cousin told me that I would know as soon as the first grey popped down there. I guess that menopausal fake news was already a phenomenon way before fake news was a thing.” - JN
What a long walk we’ve had carrying mistaken beliefs! And what a fortuity to be part of a science-based information era that has allowed us to know about our body functions and how to place our well-being as a priority in mid-life. For us, a chance to end the misconceptions on steroids that shaped our generation and an opportunity to approach menopause differently.
Like the women before us, our youth was structured around untruths and the forbiddance to ask. They were never empowered to age more healthily, but that’s not our story anymore. We take comfort in knowing that we will never repeat the things we were told to our daughters, their daughters, or nieces. As small of a step, as it looks for women behind us, we agreed that it represents a step towards a healthier and contrasting response to menopause and that is a really good thing to witness.
We will always hate the bitch, but when in menopause, our generation gets to call out the absurdity that has structured the event for ages. We get to be informed women capable of asking the right questions and putting together the blocks we need and deserve for the best post-menopausal walk awaiting us. And for that… cheers… with white sangria!
